It's been far too long since my last blog post. Actually it's been about three years. You see, before you came - I actually had more time to dedicate to things such as blogging. It was great - really I just talked about my journey being pregnant and navigating through my new life. I've thought about writing a thousand plus times but alas such is life. Now - where was I?? Oh yea - it's your birthday!
I wanted to write you a letter for your birthday. I think I can make this a regular occurrence. It does only happen once a year so I can commit to that 😊
These three past years have flown by. My life seems almost unrecognizable in comparison to before you were here. I keep my hair blonde because I have no desire to know if I have or how much grey hair I possibly have. I wouldn't change it for the world. You've managed to give me so much more then I could have ever imagined. One can't fully understand what I mean until they become a Mommy. While things haven't always been easy to say the least (I'll spare you all the details, this would become a novel), we've managed to make the most of every moment of our time together thus far.
You're not an easy kid by any means. I mean I never imagined someone so little or young could push me to my limits of being pissed off. Some may think that sounds negative - it is in certain ways. I won't lie to you and I've said that to you since you were born. You're not easy because you're strong. You're not easy because you're independent. You're not easy because you're smart with your own thoughts and have your own desires. You're pretty much me tenfold and I'm not easy to deal with at times. You know, not many three year toddlers can say that about themselves. I could also be a bit biased when I talk about you, I am your Mother after all. While you may not be easy - I wouldn't change it for the world. I mean yes would I prefer you to wear what I ask of you in the mornings or simply get up, ready and out of the house - YES!!! But, as I said, I wouldn't change it for the world.
You're sweet to the ones you love. You love with all your little being. You are you and I admire that. You light up a room with your smile, with your laugh, with your silliness, and with your beauty. You look fear in the eye and say FUCK you - I'm going to try this. You dance without a care in the world when music comes on. Maybe it's your carefree spirit I admire the most. Maybe it's your untouched soul by the outside world of hate, racism, and negativity that resonates innocence. You respect your elders and others say you're a good kid. I must be doing something right.
You have this innate ability to have me question everything I do. Am I working hard enough? Am I doing my best? Have I given you all that I have? Have I given you too much? Before you - I was a selfish asshole when it came to whatever I wanted to do. Trust me this shit hasn't been easy to give up. My time with friends socializing, my gym life...my shopping sprees on myself, the list could go on. You've taught me selfless love in a way I never thought possible. This is probably quite the very reason why I was actually able to marry someone - I'll thank you for that one when you get older.
You've given me so many firsts. It's amazing what joy I get out of watching you grow and your first experiences. To see life through your eyes is my favorite thing about having you. Experiencing your first words and learning how to say new ones. Your first steps. Your first time running. Your first time falling. Your first time getting a doll you just love with all your heart. Your first best friend. Your first bus ride. Your first train ride. Your first time in an airplane. Your first trip to Maui and how you thought we'd see Moana and Maui. There are so many firsts I've re-experienced through you as an adult. You forget these when you grow up and how they felt.
I have no real life advise to give you at the moment - you're three. I will keep living vicariously through you. You keep being exactly who you are - don't change. Give your Mommy a break once in a while and listen the first time I ask you to do something. Cut your Daddy some slack too - he loves you more then anything.
I can't wait to experience more firsts with you. Just as I am your world and you make me feel as if I am the center of all your being, you too, are mine. I will strive to be the best Mommy I can be to you always.
Love,
Mommy
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